Toscas brott


 
Finns det en annan form av skönhet i den där skevheten? Du lade händerna på boken, sade. Alla mönster upprepar sig. Människan har fyra, kanske fem, grundteman som varieras i oändlighet. Form, motiv, manifestering, intensitet, syfte, och ursprung kan skifta – men temana gör det inte. Det är inte brist på fantasi som resulterar i detta, utan vår enkelhet, vår komplexitet. Myt styr. Vi kan inte transcendera vår egen, nedärvda, inlärda form. Hon himlade med ögonen. Du orerar, sa hon. Utanför kändes tystnaden på huden som en anmärkningsvärt hög luftfuktighet. Allt är inte inbillning, sa du. Allt är inte en chimär

Avvaktan. Fallet innan lyftningen. Hur ni längs den Lundellskt vassa eggen dansar fram i sensommarsurr. Hur ni går på Operan och låter lätta, lätta nuddningar styra avgrunden. Toscas brott är tvivlet – på kärleken, på sig själv, på Guds intention. Det är det som blir hennes fall, det som tvingar henne till de värsta av handlingar: mord, självmord. Tvivlet är hennes betingelse. Sitter du där, i den lätt dammtäta, instängt tunga luften, nedärvd genom generationer av utandningsförsök, och känner släktskap med henne? Det är omöjligt att uttala orden. Hur många gånger du än rör hans arm.

Du sade: Att du ingår här, motvilligt eller inte, avgör absolut ingenting. Det finns skönhet utan din inblandning. Det som historien definierar, eller determinerar, eller utser till sin bleka avbild, är ointresserad av din inblandning i ontologin. Ditt ego kan självklart inte hantera en sådan utstötthet, en sådan tillintetgörelse, men kosmos grymhet bottnar i just ointresset även för den indignationen. Kosmos kan inte känna empati för ditt bekräftelsebehov; inte heller kan det med beredvillighet eller välvilja förmå sig att göra annorlunda. Allt var uttömt. Tosca hade kastat sig utför hustaket. Scarpia hade redan förblött. Skevheten segrade till slut, precis som väntat.


E lucevan le stelle
ed olezzava la terra.
Stridea l’uscio dell’orto,
e un passo sfiorava la rena …
Entrava ella, fragrante,
mi cadea fra le braccia …
Oh! Dolci baci, o languide carezze,
mentr’io fremente
le belle forme disciogliea dai veli!
Svanì per sempre il sogno mio d’amore …
L’ora è fuggita
e muoio disperato,
e muoio disperato!
E non ho amato mai tanto la vita!



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